i love you.
NOT...
abandoninG children
is hurting them for life
On March 2014, I wrote and published this BLOG (in French) about what had just happened to me and to my daughter, after her birth father cowardly abandoned her. It has now been 7 years since I wrote the BLOG and 13 years since he abandoned her, and despite many attempts from his own cousin to bring reason to him, he still denies her. I had given up, even after winning a lawsuit against him. He, by the way, never paid what he owed. He found a way to escape from his obligation to pay and the French law never did anything about it. Why? Probably because he knew the right people. It's not about what you know. It's about whom you know...
I had given up because I wanted to forget. Because all of this was just too painful. I had to move on for myself and for my daughter. I had to look beyond the pain. I had to build a positive life with positive people around us. I had to show my daughter that we didn't need anyone to be happy and successful in life. I had to show her the example of a strong, powerful, and successful woman.
Below are photos of a couple of times he came to visit us. Adelle was a teenager.
THE COWARDS OF LIFE
THE REASON FOR THIS BLOG IS TO TALK TO THE FATHERS (OR MOTHERS) OUT THERE WHO HAVE DONE THE SAME THING OR WHO ARE THINKING OF DOING THE SAME THING and to explain why and how much you are hurting your children. You may think it's a formality and that your weaknesses are due to your own life's circumstances. You may be in a new relationship and your new wife/partner/girlfriend threatens to leave you if you establish a relationship with your child(ren) or if you keep seeing them. You give yourself all excuses in the world for your low-life behavior.
Let's be real! If you abandon your children, you are a COWARD
Don't give me 10 million excuses why you did it, that their mother (or father) did this or did that, that you lost your job and didn't have the money to take care of them, that you can't be a father because you never agreed to the pregnancy, that it's too much for you and you don't have the time, yadiyadiyada.... Basically, it's all big-time BS.
The problem is YOU. Period. You have no balls. You have no pride. You are simply not a man.
If your new wife or girlfriend is the one preventing you from seeing your children, open up your eyes. That person is a self-centered monster with no heart and with a heightened need for attention because of her deep insecurity and lack of self-esteem. She probably also clings to you just because of your money. Wake up! This is not the type of woman you want in your life. Money-suckers can't be true love-givers!
When you abandon your children, especially after spending some time with them,
here is what you are really doing:
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You scar them FOR LIFE. They will NEVER be the same.
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They will lose trust in men especially if they are girls.
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They will lose their self-confidence for a very long time as they will believe they are not worthy of being loved.
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They will ALWAYS fear abandonment from those they love and never feel at peace. When you are abandoned, you think you are not worthy, not good enough, not beautiful enough, or not smart enough. You are constantly wondering what it is you did to deserve to be abandoned. You blame yourself unconsciously. You bury the hurt because it's just too hard to face. But the hurt is there and comes back once in a while in different forms: alcohol and other substance abuse, inability to be in a relationship, inability to maintain a steady job, and inability to feel at peace. The hurt is like a big heavy deep scar that never goes away. It's a dark cloud above your head that sometimes bursts in tears. It's cancer that hovers above you at all times.
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They often deal with anxiety and depression that often leads to suicide if they don't have the right support system.
Now let's address you, mothers! If your husband, lover, fiancé, or partner abandoned
you and your child(ren), remember this:
1. Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault
I'm sure he did everything to make it your fault. But it's not. He may not have wanted to be with you anymore but there is NO excuse to abandon your child(ren). These are two separate matters. Your children are not you. They are HIS children.
2. Show your children you love them and that you will never abandon them
That is really important as they will need you to be strong and there for them. You are now their only rock. Be a role model. Show them the way. What happened to you should make you stronger, not weaker, so find it within yourself to be successful in life. Be a winner, not a loser. Be a warrior, not a quitter.
3. Keep your head high and be proud
The only thing you have done wrong is to pick the wrong guy. Believe me, I'm the expert at it. I still haven't been able to pick the right one. I've had the cheater, the liar, the thief, the gay guy, the bisexual guy, the abuser, and the alcoholic. You name it. I've had them all. But I have learned to not blame myself for it. I have learned to be strong and to build my self-confidence because I truly believe that it was my lack of self-esteem that attracted the wrong guys. When you are weak, you attract scoundrels. (Look at Marilyn Monroe!)
4. Build your self-esteem and self-confidence
What I have done over the past years is strengthen my self-esteem and worked on my self-confidence. I have worked very hard to build a successful business that is giving me strength and financial security. You should never go with a man just for his money as the relationship will not work. You will be miserable. But in order to do that, you have to be financially independent. My father always told me to never depend on a man financially. I add to this to never depend on anyone financially or emotionally. You need to be your own self with your own strengths in order to find true peace and happiness. Then, whoever comes will just be the cherry on top of the cake. And that must be bliss and something I hope I get to experience someday.
OPEN UP YOUR HEART and YOUR MOUTH!
I called my BLOG post HIDDEN HEARTS because I think that too many people keep their pain to themselves because they are scared to be judged. I have learnt that doing so is extremely dangerous as the pain festers and grows to dangerous heights. You absolutely need to open up and let things out. You need to be able to express your pain in whatever form it is. Speak to a friend, write a blog like I am doing, write a book (why not), let the world know, and don't be ashamed.
Remember that you can't control what others think and frankly, it's none of your business. Let that go. They will forget about you in a snap anyway as most people only think of themselves.
IF YOU DON'T DO IT FOR YOURSELF, DO IT FOR YOUR CHIDLREN!
Remember that there are hidden angels on this planet. Some people are there for you, even when you don't know it. Maurice's cousin has been by our side for the past couple of years to listen to us and to try to bring some reason to his family. It looks like he is not making great strides as he is dealing with people that apparently have gigantic hidden reasons to not want to contact us. I imagine that those reasons are financial (although Maurice is a multi-millionaire and his family is very well off) or legal (which obviously they should, as they have a lawsuit against them).
Whatever it is, I wish them well as one day or the other, they will have to deal with karma. Oh yes my dear Maurice, Maurice's wife and parents, karma is a bitch. I don't want to be you when your past jumps at your face like a wild cat, as it will. In the meantime, I forgive you as God reminds me that I need to forgive others and forgive myself. I will not allow you to force me to carry the burden you created in our life.
I hope you find redemption and peace and that the price won't be so high that it prevents you from breathing.
INCH' ALLAH!
